| 小月半月's profile小月半月PhotosBlogLists |  Tools  Help |
|
September 11 fml发信人: ezhao (壹兆), 信区: Joke
标 题: FML--老外的丢脸事迹集锦（转） 发信站: 水木社区 (Fri Jul 31 11:40:03 2009), 站内 有个网站：http://www.fmylife.com，是fuck my life的简称，也就是我们常说的【卧槽】
，每件fuck事后面都跟着它的简称FML 这里摘录了一堆精华。不开心时看看别人是怎么不开心的，你就会开心多了
Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I
picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML 今天，我在邮箱里收到了我的护照。他们把我的生日搞错了。然后我找到了我一起送去申请 护照的出生证明。结果我发现我的父母16年来一直在错误的一天给我过生日。FML Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML 今天，我在上课的时候睡觉。我的JJ石更了，而且我穿的是很宽松的裤子。我的老师走了过
来一把抓住了我的JJ——她以为那是我手机。FML Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML 今天，我听见了我的姐姐在她的房间里面ZW。为了逃出去，我带着狗出去遛了遛。我回来的
时候正巧碰见她出来，手里拿的东西是——我的电动牙刷。FML Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML 今天，一个我认识了很久的很性感的女人跟我说，如果我能站着和她做，她就和我做。我残
疾坐轮椅。FML Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That' s his sister. FML 今天，我在和我的男朋友OOXX。当他要丢了的时候，他突然声嘶力竭地大喊“太棒了
Brittany！！”我的名字不是Brittany.Brittany是他的妹妹。FML Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential
business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML 今天，我老板叫我去他的办公室，要给我看一个可能成为我们的商业伙伴的公司的网站。当
他在谷歌里面打“Virginia”这个词的时候，网站把他的搜索自动补完成了他最近才搜索过 的词条——“小处男的菊花”。我明天就要和他一起出差。我是个年轻男人。FML Today, I asked my boyfriend to come over for dinner because I had some big news. He said he did too, and came over. After stuffing his face full of food, he broke up with me and said he'd re-enlisted into the marines, leaving in two weeks. I was going to tell him i'm 9 weeks pregnant. FML 今天，我让我男朋友来我家吃饭因为我有个大消息要告诉他。他说他也有个大消息要告诉我
。在他吃得差不多的时候，他说要和我分手因为他两个星期以后就要去海军陆战队报道了。 我准备告诉他我已经怀孕9个星期了。FML Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML 今天，我发现我怀孕了。我已经和老公试了很长时间，所以我等不及要把这个好消息告诉他
。当我推开他的办公室的门准备给他一个惊喜时，我看到他和一个男的在亲热。FML Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML 今天，我的女儿问我我是什么时候破处的。当我告诉她是22岁时，她立马大喊道：“我赢喽
！！”她今年才13。FML Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML 今天，我结婚9年的老公告诉我说他是搞基的。他甚至还暗示我说，他和我在一起的时候能
硬起来，是因为我长得比较爷们。FML Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly resembled sex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doing she said "I'm pretending to be mommy from last night." I was on a business trip last night. FML 今天，我发现我女儿在模仿很奇怪的、听起来像我老婆在OOXX时发出的声音。当我问她你在
干嘛的时候她说“我在学我妈咪昨晚的声音”。我昨晚出差。FML Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML 今天，我老婆要和我离婚因为她想和她的狐朋狗友们多玩一玩。一年前，我跟着她来到了她
老家挪威。我离开了我的朋友，家庭和一份很好的工作，就是为了和她一起住。现在我TMD 在一个马场铲马粪。FML Today, I got a call from the hospital that my fiance was in the ER. When I arrived at the hospital they told me that he had a heart attack while having sex. FML 今天，我接到一个电话说我的未婚夫被送进了急救室。当我赶到急救室的时候，他们告诉我
说原因是他在和某人OOXX的时候心脏病发作了。FML Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML 今天，我交往了三年的女友离开了我找了个新男友。她的理由是她需要找一个可靠的未来的
经济后盾。没错那个哥们确实是有一个卖手机的亭子。但是我就要在医学院就读了。FML Today, my teacher demanded to talk to my dad because she thought he wasn't a good enough male role model because i'd misbehaved. i told her he had died of cancer in 2005. She said that my lie was rude, disgraceful, and that i should be ashamed, then gave me a detention. He actually did die. FML 今天，我老师要求和我爸谈话因为她认为我爸没给我起到一个好的榜样作用。我告诉她我爸
在05年就死于癌症。结果她说我的谎言很粗鲁，没人性，不害臊，然后把我留校了。我爸是 真的死了。FML Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was going through it, I realized that both my parents have the same last name. So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are second cousins. FML 今天，我有个做张家庭族谱的作业。当我在做的时候，我意识到我的父母的姓其实是一样的
。所以我去问他们这是不是个巧合，结果他们告诉我说他们实际上是表亲关系。FML Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns
out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML 今天，我咬了一下我男友的脖子。我感觉到什么东西流到了我嘴里。结果我发现我是把他脖
子上的一个大痘子咬破了。掉进了我嘴里。FML Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and
got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML 今天，我第一次和这个男生出去约会。我们去了星巴克，聊着天，很愉快。突然，他把他的
手放到我肚子上说：“不久之后，这里就会被我的种子灌满”。FML Today, I decided to take a nap. My boyfriend gave me some sleeping pills but I
decided last minute not to take them. I woke up to my boyfriend kissing my neck and unbuttoning my shirt. Without opening my eyes, I whispered "ooh this is so romantic." He blurted out shocked, "Oh.you're awake?!" FML 今天，我打算打个盹。我男朋友给了我一些安眠药但是我最后没决定吃。我迷迷糊糊地醒来
的时候发现他在亲我的脖子，解开我的衬衫。我闭着眼睛低语道：“嗯……真是浪漫。”他 震惊道：“啊。你醒着呢？！”FML Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML 今天，我做公车去上班，后来旁边坐着个慈祥的老奶奶。公车到一半的时候，她睡着了，脑
袋枕在了我的肩膀上。为了做个好青年，我在我的车站到之前才轻轻地打算弄醒她。实际上 ，这一路上她根本没在睡觉。也就是说，我让一个死人在我身上躺了30分钟。FML Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML 今天，我以为我听到了我的小妹妹在玩我的新的大钢琴。我十分生气，跑下楼去制止她。结
果我发现声音的来源是我父母在我的新钢琴上OOXX。FML Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML 今天，我给我男友发短信说：“Hi”。他的回复是：“我把你最好的朋友肚子搞大了”。
FML Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML 今天，我上交了我的博士论文，我花了半年的时间做调查来写这篇论文。昨晚，我的室友在
微软WORD里面的“自动更正”里面把“也不是(neither)”这个词全改成了“黑鬼(nigger) ”。我一直到交了论文以后才发现。更糟糕的是我的教授就是个黑人。FML Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML 今天，我男友和我决定试试X菊花。当他结束了以后，我转过身来，发现他面带微笑地拿着
一个绑在腰带上的橡胶JJ，对我说：“现在来X我。”FML Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML 今天，为了给我哥们庆祝生日我们第一次来到了脱衣舞俱乐部。我也发现了我的女友的工作
是什么。FML Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for
one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML 今天，我发现因为我的血压太高，我一个月都不能OOXX。我的婚礼是下个星期，然后接下来
的两个星期是蜜月。FML Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML 今天，我去牙医那里洗牙。我抬头看着他，发现有鼻涕往他的嘴唇上滴。我试图慢慢地挪开
，他告诉我“别动！”结果他说话的动作导致那大块鼻涕径直掉进了我嘴里。FML Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when I became pregnant. I'm going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnant with his child, at their wedding. FML 今天，我发现我已经怀孕三个多月了。孩子他爸现在已经和我最好的朋友订婚，在我怀孕的
时候他一直和她有一腿。我将会是他们婚礼上怀着新郎的孩子8个月的伴娘。FML Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML 今天，我和我的祖父母睡在一个屋子里面。他们先是来确认我睡没睡着。为了不被责怪成熬
夜，我就假装睡着了。结果，他们是想要OOXX，所以才来确认我是不是睡了的。我亲眼目睹 了两个70岁老头老太太在我旁边的床上OOXX的情形。FML Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML 今天，我在外面吃饭的时候，饭店经理来找我谈话。他说虽然他很尊重我的个人选择，但是
他的顾客们对于一个“曾经是男人”的女人用女卫生间感到非常不舒服。也就是说，他们以 为我是个变性人。而我是个天生的女人。FML Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML 今天，我在翻看我父母的旧的家庭录像。我把其中一个放进了录像机，惊恐地发现那里录着
我的父母在做爱做的事。我立刻弹出了录像带并且看了看那上面的标签。上面写着：“百慕 大，1989”。他们曾经告诉我说我就是在那个时候的百慕大群岛上被怀上的。我看到了自己 被怀上的情形。FML Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first
date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML 今天，我自己一人来到了我和我男友第一次约会的地方：一个孤僻的山上。我注意到有另一
对情侣藏在灌木丛中亲热。于是我打电话给我男友，想要告诉他说有人找到了属于我们的秘 密幽会地点。然后我就听到了我男友手机的Bob Marley的彩铃声从那堆灌木里飘来。FML Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up
and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML 今天，我和一个女孩在我公寓里面打发时间……然后我们都来了感觉，就开始亲热。一步接
着一步，然后我知道她要准备给我KJ。我正做好爽的准备，她突然停了下来，抬起头来望着 我的眼睛说……“你信耶稣吗？”FML Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a
surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML 今天，我被我老爸突然造访我宿舍的敲门声所吵醒。我把门打开对着在门外的他打招呼，这
时候我的室友脱光了衣服拉开了门，亲了我的脸颊，用一种超级搞基的声音说“昨晚你真棒 ”以后跑了。FML Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself. FML 今天，我光着身子站在床边，等着我老婆从浴室里面出来。她打开了浴室的门走向我，扭动
着她的腰，什么都没穿。当她离我有四英尺的时候，她在地板垫上跌了一跤，而且用了我的 JJ来稳住身形。FML Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. FML 今天，我躺在床上试图睡着，可是就在此时我听见了我父母在OX。所以我戴上了耳机听音乐
。听了好长好长一段时间之后，我想他们应该已经完事了，所以我摘下了耳机。结果我刚好 赶上他们结束那一段。FML Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML 今天，我老板发了条短信把我炒了鱿鱼。我没给手机申请短信包月。也就是说我花了25美分
来被炒。FML Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friend explaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulled over in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explained what happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. FML 今天，我在高速上开车的时候接到了一个电话，得知了我两个最好朋友因交通事故而死。我
歇斯底里地把车快速在道边停下，然后过来一个交警问我怎么了。我解释了一切，结果他给 了我一张罚单，说是因为我在开车的同时使用手机。FML Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there,
he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML 今天，我男友和我决定在他的家里OOXX。我们到了以后，他先去看信箱里面有没有信，然后
就发现他订购的Wii的游戏到货了。他把我送回了家因为他更想玩游戏。FML Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked
me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML 今天，我拜托我父母帮我报名加入军队。结果他们问我的是如果我死了，政府能补贴多少钱
。FML Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After i knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized only to hear my girlfriend's voice call from the background: "Baby, who's there?" FML 今天，拿着鲜花和晚餐，打算给我认识了两年的女友一个惊喜。我敲了敲她公寓的们——然
后一个英俊的年轻男人打开了门。我以为我敲错了门，道了歉转身准备离开的时候，我听到 了我女朋友的声音——“宝贝，门口的是谁？”FML Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, "April Fool's!" It's March 19th. FML 今天，我打算给我上大学的男友一个惊喜。我走进了他的宿舍，发现他和另一个女的躺在床
上。他看见了我，说了句：“愚人节快乐！”那天是3月19号。FML Today, my friends approached me and accused me of being anorexic cause i've dropped a lot of weight lately. I swore to them that i wasn't anorexic. They jokingly asked "Do you have cancer or something?" All i could do was stare at my feet. That wasn't exactly how i wanted them to find out. FML 今天，我的朋友怀疑我得了厌食症因为我最近掉了很多秤。我对他们发誓说我没得厌食症。
他们开玩笑说：“那你是得了癌症什么的吗？”我除了盯着我的脚不知道以外不知道该如何 反应——我并没指望他们以这种形式发现我得了癌症。FML Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the
peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. "I-I-I MISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML 今天，我在用手指X女友。她在高潮顶点的时候突然哭了起来。我问她发生了什么事，她回
答说：“我——我——我——我想他！！”她是为了她的前男友在哭。我当时还在她体内。 FML Today, I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I'm gay. When I was typing the email address in the "to:" field, it autocorrected the address to my mother. She just responded: "you filthy faggot". FML 今天，我发了封邮件给我最好的朋友，告诉他我是同志。当我在输入“发送到：”那一栏的
时候，系统给我自动更正成了我妈的邮件地址。她只回复了一句：“你这肮脏的蛆虫。” FML Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML 今天，我男友和我决定做爱做的事。我是CN，他不是。30秒以后，他倒在了我的身上。我以
为他在开玩笑，就笑了几声。他没在开玩笑。他干完了。FML Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML 今天，我卫生棉在我的泳装旁边露出了一点点。我男友以为那是我比基尼多余的线头。于是
乎他在大庭广众之下把我的卫生棉拉了出来。FML Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML 今天，我给我6个月的男友发了条短信说我很想要，而且我躺在床上光着身子。他回了封信
说：“你长了手指头，用它们，我去睡觉了亲爱的”。FML Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an
eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "what do I do now?" FML 今天，我男友和我第一次OOXX。在等待了非常长的一段时间之后，他终于进来了。这时他停
了下来，问道——“好了，现在我该怎么办？”FML Today, I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding in June. It's my mom's 4th wedding. I'm getting replaced by our dog. FML 今天，我接到电话说我不再是6月份婚礼的伴娘了。那婚礼是我妈的第四次婚礼。当她伴娘
的将会是我家的狗。FML Today, I opened my mail to find my Brown acceptance letter. Excited, I showed
my dad who just laughed and said 'what, it's not like it's Harvard'. No one in my family has ever gone to college. My dad didn't even graduate from high school. FML 今天，我打开了邮箱发现我被布朗大学（美国常春藤盟校之一）录取了。我兴奋地告诉了我
爸，他笑笑说：“啥啊，又不是哈佛。”我家里人除了我没人上过大学。我爸甚至高中都没 毕业。FML Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriend says. "I'm finally going to tell her I love her!" I got really excited, deciding i loved him too. Then his friend says, "Awesome! But what about Kayla?" I'm Kayla. FML 今天，我听到了我交往3个月的男友和他的朋友聊天，它们不知道我能听到他们。“就是今
晚了”，我男友说，“我要告诉她，我爱她！！”我非常兴奋，感觉我也非常爱他。然后他 的朋友就说：“太好了。可是，凯拉怎么办？”我就是凯拉。FML Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancee, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancee for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me a happy birthday. FML 今天是我生日。我一整天只接到三个电话。第一个是我的未婚夫，说他要把订婚戒指拿回去
。第二个是我最好的朋友，向我坦白说过去三个月来她一直和我的未婚夫行为不轨。第三个 是我牙医的办公室，给我唱《祝你生日快乐》。FML Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson. Don't f*** with me." I'm Tyler, Jackson is my co-worker. FML 今天，下班以后，我去停车场准备开车回家。我发现我的车的门被划伤得很厉害，我所有的
车胎都被扎了。挡风玻璃上留着一张字条写着：“草NM，杰克逊。别耍老子。”我是泰勒。 杰克逊是我同事。FML Today, I came home to find my mum on the phone to the doctor. When she hung up
I asked what had happened. She said they found a sexually transmitted disease in my bloodtest, and then she began to call me a slut. I'm 14, and am still a virgin. After 5 mins of crying, she tells me she was joking. FML 今天，我回到家，我妈在给医生挂电话。我问她怎么了。她说医生在我的血检里面发现了一
种性病，然后她说我是个婊子。我14岁而且还是处。大哭了5分钟以后，她告诉我说她只是 在开玩笑。FML Today, my son looked out of the window and said "what's that piece of shit doing on our driveway?" It was the new car we were trying to surprise him with on his 16th birthday. FML 今天，我儿子望向窗户以外问道：“在车库门前停着的那坨垃圾是毛？”那是我打算送给他
的，他16岁生日的新车。FML Today, a 7 year old girl randomly came up to me and told me to f*** myself. I
told her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard this conversation, she came up to me and told me to f*** myself as well. FML 今天，一个7岁的陌生小女孩突然走向我，跟我说“滚泥马。”我告诉她注意自己的口气，
否则我就告诉她父母。她妈妈就在附近，而且她恰好听到了了我们的对话。于是她突然走向 了也我跟我说了句“滚泥马”。FML Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out." I didn't know what that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found out he's talking about a new Pokemon game. FML 今天，我发短信给我的男友，问他到底想不想今天来亲热。他的回复是“不行，白金今天出
。”我一开始没听懂，于是我去搜索了一下“白金，2009年3月22号”。结果我发现他是在 说最新的口袋妖怪游戏。FML Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The
woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML 今天，我人生的第一次——让一个女人看到了我的JJ。我30了。那女的是我的医生。她打了
个鼾来盖住她的大笑声，然后道了道歉。FML Today, I turned 18. Nothing was said at breakfast, but I figured they'd
remember and we'd have cake at night. I came home and there was cake, but not for me. My sister got her period for the first time during the day and they were celebrating. Apparently, a vaginal discharge was more important. FML 今天，我18岁了。早餐的时候没人吱一声，但是我想他们会记住，晚上我就有蛋糕吃了。我
晚上回家看到了一个蛋糕——但是不是给我的。他们是在庆祝我的妹妹第一次月经来潮。很 明显，他们认为一次生理反应比我的18岁生日更重要。FML Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half the size
of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom's walk-in closet. FML 今天，我看到了我家新房子的图纸。我的屋子是旁边那个屋子大小的一半。“那个屋子”是
我继母的大衣橱。FML Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to
take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML 今天，我感觉有点病了，呼吸很不舒畅。我决定打个盹，嘴巴大张着因为呼吸很困难。我醒
来的时候，发现我男友试图把他的那个放到我嘴里。FML Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML 今天，我在和我男朋友OOXX。突然，他从我身上跳下来，大喊：“该死，该死！”我很着急
，问他怎么了。他大吼：“我忘了设定TiVO了！”（一种电视录像装置）. FML Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidently
drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML 今天，我第一次去看我女朋友的父母。我第一次不小心开过头了，但是看到了他们全家在外
面等我。我调了个头，然后就听到了砰的一声。他们全家的人看着我压扁了他们的狗。FML Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiance that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her. FML 今天，我在和我交往了9个月的女友OOXX。有人给她打电话，她决定去接。给她打电话的是
她的未婚夫——我完全不知道有这号人。她在我还在她的体内的时候说：她订婚了。FML Today, I found out I won a 20 000 or 30 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML 今天，我发现我赢了份20000 - 30000的奖学金。在屋里和我家人跳上跳下庆祝了半个小时
以后，我们才意识到这信是寄给另一个和我们姓一样的人的。我们和她联系上以后，她说这 事真是奇怪，因为她收到的是我的拒信。FML Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML 今天，我想拿个套套因为我的男友和我打算第一次OX。当我打开抽屉时，我看到每个套套都
被一个耶稣形象的别针扎破了。盒子上面有个字条：“爱你的妈妈。”FML Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to "surprise mom later". Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML 今天，我老爹问我借电动剃须刀因为他想要“给我妈一个惊喜”。我非常想看他把他留了几
乎一辈子的大胡子剃掉，于是我很高兴地答应了他。半个小时以后，他从洗手间出来了。胡 子还是好好的。FML Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML 今天，我父母因为我“说了句脏话”而惩罚我用肥皂洗嘴。我都快19了。我说了句“靠”。
FML Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was sitting in the
5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming through the open window. I then realized it wasn't raining, but the girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through my window. FML 今天，我坐在公车上去联谊会。我坐在公车第5排，感觉到有雨点从窗外飘进来。然后我意
识到那不是雨点，而是第1排有个女的吐了，她吐到窗外的东西从我的窗户飞了进来。FML Today, my parents won't stop bragging about how my sister is dating the captain
of her high school football team. I just got accepted to law school. FML 今天，我父母不停地吹嘘说我妹妹正在和学校美式足球队队长约会。我刚刚被法学院录取。
FML Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see that they misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML 今天，我们要从学校拿毕业纪念册。我翻到了我的简历那一页，发现他们把我的名拼错了。
我的名是James（詹姆斯）。他们拼成了Lames（烂透的）。FML Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. FML 今天，我第一次和我的新男友一起淋浴。昨天晚上是我们一起度过的第一晚。我在洗头的时
候，我向下看去，注意到了有“黄水”。也就是说，我的脚一开始感觉到的温暖的水不是从 喷头里出来的。FML Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the police saying that I
was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I were having sex. FML 今天，我被逮捕了，因为我6岁的儿子打电话叫警察，说我把我的妻子打得哭了。我和我老
婆当时在OOXX。FML Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door I heard my son say "Oh man, you're gonna make me cum" to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14. FML 今天，我提前下班回家，买了辆新的山地车来给他个生日惊喜。为了让他吃一惊，我蹑手蹑
脚地来到了他的房门前。我一开门就听到他对他压在身下的女孩说：“哦，天哪，我要S了 。”他才刚14。FML Today, I went to get a sports physical at a hospital. My nurse was morbidly obese and unattractive. She told me she would go through the tests listed on the sheet. She did everything, including feeling my genitalia. When it was done, I read over the sheet. Genitalia wasn't a test listed. FML 今天，我去医院做运动体检。我的护士肥的要死而且非常难看。她说她会检查所有单子上写
的部分。她做了一切她能做的，甚至包括检查我的JJ部分。体检结束以后，我看了看那张单 子。里面没有生育器官检查。FML Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my p*** stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus 软妹子 d everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML 今天，我打开电脑查看我的AV收藏。但是，文件夹除了“我的最爱”文档以外全都空了。我
以为是病毒删了所有的东西，但是很庆幸“我的最爱”文档没被删。我打开了以后，看到里 面是一个我父母的录像教育我说“SY是不对滴”。FML Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML 今天，我看到了一对女同性恋在购物中心里逛。其中一个在繁忙的过道里走向我，然后开始
大喊盯着她们是怎么怎么地粗鲁，还有不管性取向如何所有的人都应该是平等的。我盯着她 们的原因是我也是搞百合的，而且我觉得她们很靓。FML Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car
in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML 今天，大概晚上十点多我在道上开车。我前面车里的乘客向窗外扔了什么东西。拿东西径直
打在了我的挡风玻璃上。那是个套套。用过的套套。而且用完没系。JY在你开快车的时候散 开得很快。FML Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had 'something serious' to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML 今天，我搭我新男友的车。他有“很重要的事”要告诉我。然后他多愁善感地向我讲述了他
如何对SY上瘾。细节具体生动。行程是两个小时。FML Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are
so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML 今天，我才发现我的新学生宿舍的墙，是多么的薄。它们如此之薄，以至于我能听到我隔壁
那个恶心的哥们一边一遍又一遍地念叨着我的名字，一边大力SY的声音。FML Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking
his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML 今天，我在和我的小弟弟打篮球。在开玩笑般地阻挡了他一下之后，他转过来跟我说“你
TM的婊子。”他才6岁。我问他他是在哪里听到这个词的，他回答说：“爹地在你不在的时 候这样叫你。”FML Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. His friends needed him. FML 今天，我裸身躺在床上，被蒙上了眼罩。我告诉我的男友他把我怎样都行。30分钟以后，我
下了床发现他在电脑室打魔兽。他队友需要他。FML Today, I performed in my school play. Right before my big solo, I noticed a few girls changing backstage and I became aroused. The play was Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was playing Jesus. All I was wearing was a little cloth, so the whole audience saw Jesus get hard during the crucifixion. FML 今天，我在学校表演戏剧。在我的独角戏闪亮登场之前，我注意到了有几个女孩在后台换衣
服——于是我小弟弟high了。那场戏是《耶稣基督超级巨星》，我就是演耶稣的。我身上只 穿几块布。于是乎，所有观众都看到了：耶稣在被钉上十字架的时候可耻地硬了。FML Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom to mine is
the one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I have to throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walk in on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up all over their bed. FML 今天我在家睡觉因为我生病了。离我最近的厕所是在我父母的房间。我有点想吐所以我就起
来了，我跑到我父母房间的厕所里，然后看到他们在OOXX。大吃一惊，吐了他们一床…… Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML 今天我在和一个刚认识的女孩OOXX，大约5分钟之后，她说她想上厕所，所以我们被迫停止
。大概等了10分钟，我决定进去看看她怎么样了。进去一看，窗户是开着的，她逃走了。卧 槽= = Today, as I was bagging groceries at Dominicks, I looked down to see a 6 year old urinating on my shoes and the floor next to me. I told his mother that he should take her kid to the restroom, only to be told to "mind my own god damned business." I was later fired for arguing with the customer. FML 今天我在多米尼克杂货店帮顾客装袋，向下一看，我擦，一个6岁小孩在我鞋上撒尿。我告
诉他妈应该带她的小孩去厕所小便，我唯一得到的回应是：管好你自己的吊事。接着我就以 “和顾客发生纠纷”被开除。卧槽！ Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in,
talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML 今天，当一个正妹进电梯的时候电梯里只有我一个，当时她正在打电话。她和她朋友说：“
我得挂了，电梯里有个帅哥~~”在我有任何反应之前她说：“对不起，我撒谎了，我只是真 的很想把那个电话结束”卧槽= =！！ Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house." FML 今天，我在和我男友OOXX，他很清楚我喜欢他在我脖子上喘气、呼吸的感觉。当我快要丢的
时候他把他的嘴唇放在离我脖子/耳朵1毫米的地方，说：“我喜欢的你那闻起来像我祖母房 子的味道~~”，卧槽！ Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off of the $1.00 menu to save
money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and an bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $24,000 in bills. Really. FML 今天我去快餐店点了一份一元餐想要省钱。五个小时之后我因为食物中毒被送到医院。在一
天的禁食、排泄、冒顶、考试、挂了一堆水之后，我那$1的汉堡花费了我$24000，真的！！ 卧槽…… Today, one of the psych patients I work with on a locked unit looked into my eyes and told me lovingly that I reminded him of his sister. The sister he killed after he raped her. FML 今天，一个和我一起工作的精极度紧张患者在一个被锁的房间里看着我的眼睛、深情的说： 你让我想起了我的妹妹。（那个被他被他先X后杀的妹妹）。卧槽！！ Today, I called my fiance and found out she is 9 weeks pregnant. I had been in
Iraq for over 6 months. I also found out her and her new boyfriend already spent most of my $30,000 re-enlistment bonus on a new car and a trip to Las Vegas. FML 今天我打电话给我的未婚妻并发现她已经有了9个月身孕。我在伊拉克带了将近6个月……我
还发现她和她的新男友把我那30000美金的入伍抚恤金花的差不多了——买了辆新车、去拉 斯维加斯度假。卧槽！ Today, there are two restaurants gang fights, and other unrelated people are gone, only I did not move, watching them smile. I feel very cool. Suddenly,FML 今天,餐馆有两伙人打架，其他无关的人都跑掉了，只有我没有动，微笑的看着他们。
我觉得自己非常酷。
突然有一个人指着我说：打他们老大！我刚要说我不是，一个酒瓶子就把我头打开了花。然
后几个人过来揣我。另一伙看他们在打不认识的人竟然也不帮忙。 我快被打半死时警C来了，还把我当成主犯拉回去审讯。刚才才被家长领回家。
我现在悟出了一个非常深刻的道理，就是：没实力，千万别装B!
Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my
shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML 今天，我第一次和自己真正喜欢的人OOXX。我把我的上衣的乳支撑器脱掉，他说：“我擦，
这太令人失望了。”擦 Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just
gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML 应该是 今天，我女友甩了我跟别人了。就在一个小时前，我才从她老爹那里得到求婚许可。FML Today I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I'd been
trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver, they drank too much and on the way home hooked up in the back seat. FML 今天我和俩我感兴趣的男生泡吧。第一个是我这个学期一直想约的人，第二个是和我吃过一 次饭、看起来还不错的男生。我被指定为司机，他们喝的是在是太多了，然后他们俩就在后 座上勾搭上了……汗 Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politely apologized
and told him I had none, he yelled angrily "who comes to this city without money?" I replied "apparently, you do." Wrong answer. He followed me, now screaming. FM 今天一个流浪汉向我要硬币我没给他，告诉他我身上没有，他非常生气的向我吼道：没钱谁
TM来这个城市啊？ 我回答 “很明显，你就是” 这个答案显然不对，他跟在我身后一直尖 叫 FML Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few
relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML 今天我和老妈感慨事实上和我发生过关系的男的都不超过2个月，她问我为什么，我回答：
因为我偏激，强势，保守，还有顽固。为了鼓励我，她说 至少你还是诚实的 FML Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One
of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go get it." Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML 今天我在一个公园里散步，看到一群孩子在踢球， 其中一个把球踢向了我，很幸运的是我
把球接到了。 然后我把球丢下踢回去喊到：“接好了” 球打到了一颗书上弹回来，命中我 的脸 FML Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We
were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML 今天我在洗澡的时候，男朋友忽然跳了进来，我们有一点点小兴奋地时候 老妈的手穿过了
帘子 把套套丢在了浴池里，说：注意安全啊孩子们 FML Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my 软妹子s.
Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the 软妹子 s are safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in my life. FML 今天我在厨房里安装好了摄像头想看看谁偷了我的饼干， 结果我看到了老妈和她的男朋友
，好消息是饼干很安全，坏消息是 我看了一些我这辈子都不想看到的事 FML Today, after my girlfriend of 2 years left me for another guy, I got stuck in
an elevator for 3 hours. With both of them. FML 今天和我相处2年的女朋友离开了我和另一个男人好了， 然后我在电梯里面卡了3小时，和
他们2个一起 FML Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up
against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML 今天，卡尔加里轻轨车厢挤满了人；我旁边的一个流浪汉被挤得死死地顶着我。他专注地盯
着我看，上车两分钟以后他就硬了=_=——于是乎车厢每次颠簸和转弯的时候，那东西都在 摩擦着我。FML Today, I was leaving to go over to a friend's and my parents suddenly ask if I' m gay. I reply that no, I'm bisexual. My mom then asks if I've ever made out with someone of the same sex and I say yes. She turns to my dad and says 'I told you so. You owe me $20'. My parents bet on my sexuality. FML 今天，我正准备出门去朋友家，我父母突然问我是不是搞基的。我回答不是，澄清说我是双
性恋。我妈又问我曾经是否和一个同性别的人亲热过，我回答是。然后她就跟我爸说：“看 ，我跟你说过了吧。你欠我20块。”我父母拿我的性取向打赌。FML Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the
bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad. FML 今天，我在我的小弟弟偷看我朋友在卫生间换衣服的时候把他抓了个正着。我问他他在干嘛
，他回答说：“雷(Ray)在你去卫生间的时候就这么做，我只是在学他罢了。”雷是我的新 继父。FML Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place.
Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said "oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn't wearing a watch. FML 今天，我和一个我很喜欢的女孩出门去玩，然后我们晚上一起回到了我家。我们之间十分来
电，于是最后OOXX了……男上女下。我非常之投入，可是在半途的时候她突然举起手腕说： “啊，看看都几点了。我得回家了。”她当时根本没戴表。FML Today, I was running late for work so instead of walking the ten minutes to the office, I took a taxi. The driver took the opportunity to share the story of his first sexual experience with a man. In great detail. FML 今天，我上班要迟到了，所以我没去走那十分钟的路程而是打了辆出租车。这司机抓住这一
大好时机，向我讲述了他第一次和男人OOXX的故事。具体而又生动。FML Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a
distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML 今天，我得从我的办公室走到我停车的地方，距离大概有三个街区远。在我准备转过最后一
个街角时，一辆车超速驶来，我不得不赶紧跳到一边。我抬头的时候发现了——那车是我的 。FML Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, then told me I' d get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked and blindfolded till I caught her, and then I yelled, "I want my prize on the kitchen table!" It was her mom who'd just got back from work. FML 今天，我女友决定把我扒光并把我眼睛蒙上，然后告诉我说如果我抓住她就奖励我。于是我
就蒙着眼睛，啥也没穿地四处瞎跑一直到我抓住了她。我大喊：“在厨房桌子上把我的奖励 给我吧！”MLGB的我抓住的是她刚下班的妈妈。FML Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was gay. The executor read it out loud. My mom was the only one who knew. FML 今天，我妈的遗嘱被宣告给了全家人。我在几年前帮助我妈写的；我会得到一笔资金来付助
学贷款。她自己把遗嘱给改了，注明说我啥也得不到因为我搞基。遗嘱执行人把这段大声朗 读了出来。本来只有我妈一个人知道的。FML Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn'
t mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML 今天，我发现就算你的男友向你求婚，也不意味着他婚礼的时候就一定能来。FML
Today, my mom talked about how it's interesting how there's so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she's doing hormone therapy she's able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. FML 今天，我妈跟我说各种JJ有不同的大小，真是有趣。她也跟我说因为她一直在做荷尔蒙疗法
，她能够体验的高潮比以往多多了。我们堵车堵了3个小时。当我打开收音机的时候，她把 收音机关了，接着讲。FML Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML 今天，是我的男友第一次来我家过夜。他硬了，我就在他的耳边耳语把他叫醒：“如果你现
在让我做什么都行，你想要我做什么呢？”他的回答，“你能给我碗薄荷巧克力屑冰淇淋吗 ？”他想冰淇淋想到硬。FML Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML 今天，我男友和我在他的家里OOXX。大概30分钟后，他的妈妈回家了，敲他的房门问道：“
你在干啥？”想着也许我有偷偷溜出去的可能，我蹑手蹑脚地穿起了衣服。结果这时我的男 友就回答：“佐伊。我在干佐伊。”FML Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML 今天，一张“在马里兰醉酒驾驶”的200美金的罚单被寄给了我。我从来都没因醉酒驾驶而
被抓而且我压根就没去过马里兰。FML Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour
searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML 今天，我醒来以后发现我的狗丢了。我花了将近一个小时去找它，直到我那脑子有点问题的
前女友发了张它的照片给我。她把它绑架了。开车到那里以后，她用油漆弹朝我的车开枪。 现在我不仅没狗，还多了辆五彩斑斓的车。FML Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have sex with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML 今天，我问了交往了将近十个月的男友，他最希望和哪五个女人OOXX。我排第三。我妈排第
二。FML Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into
the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then proceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML 今天，我的猫和我一起在浴室里。我脱了衣服准备冲个澡。猫在我脱光了衣服以后看了看我
，然后就在小毯上吐得到处都是。FML -- 发信人: wmn2 (wm), 信区: Joke
标 题: fml 有新的 发信站: 水木社区 (Sun Aug 16 18:24:21 2009), 站内 今天，我的狗看着我，然后开始硬了...长达半小时。FML
今天，我和男友躺在床上一起看他的手机，这时，自动提醒信息出现在屏幕上：“关于这周 五外出的事，别忘了对宝贝撒谎” 今天，我有一个淤青的嘴唇，因为那个我甚至都不记得他脸长啥样的家伙不知道亲吻和吮吸
的区别。 今天，有个印度人打了25次电话过来找一个叫"Pinkie"的人，我不知道这该死的"Pinkie"是
谁，但我绝不欢迎有人在我正XXOO的时候打错电话过来！FML 今天，我以为自己是独自在工作的，于是我开始抠我的鼻子试图发现些有趣的东西。仅仅一 分钟之后，我意识到我的老板在盯着我看。FML 【转】
今天,一个同事向我借梳子.而我,是一个秃子.FML
今天,我和一个女孩一直跳舞跳到D厅关门.我们一起回到了我家.结果她也有那个只有男人才
有的东西,你知道我不是说胡须.FML 今天,我19岁的90后女友甩了我,因为她觉得我太幼稚.对了,我30了,是个70后.FML
今天,我男友告诉我说我的脚有股销魂的味道.对了,他当时是在我旁边的屋子里.FML
今天，我老板的鼻涕流到他手上...然后他把它们舔掉了（是的，千真万确！），就当着我
最好的客户的面。FML 今天，我很高兴我在公司的储藏室里发现了安全摄像头，两天前，我在这间房里SY。FML
这段的网友回复： 噢噢，这么说在youtube上会有你的视频??? 今天，我发短信告诉我的女友:今晚，我是多么地想和她XXOO。随后我发现，我把这条短信
发给了她哥哥。FML 今天，我帮我儿子做数学作业，然后他得了个C,然后他再也不想和我说话了。FML 今天，我趁我老婆睡觉的时候偷看存在电脑里的AV。我戴上耳机，这样她就不会听到了。结 果..直到她从卧室里走出来，我才发现我没有插对耳麦插孔~~FML 今天，我花了整晚呆在医院里。当屋里只剩我一个的时候。我扭曲转动着从各个角度试图将
尿准确地尿在瓶子里。突然，一个长得很养眼的医生走了进来，这时，偶滴动作刚进行到一 半，一股湿润滴感觉从偶滴腿部扩散开来~~FML 今天，我在和我的新男友约会。我装得非常妩媚并且笑得很大声以显示他有多风趣。但素，
我笑得如此大声..以至于把屁给笑出来鸟~~~FML 今天，在我把烟头弹出车窗的时候，风又把它吹了回来，于是，偶滴裤裤被烧坏鸟。FML
今天，像以往每个早晨那样，我醒来，并亲吻睡在我身旁的狗狗的鼻子。然而，它今早换了
个与以往不同的姿势睡觉。于是..我亲到了它的屁股~~ 今天 我骑车下班回家 要骑12英里 正当我过一个山坡的时候我的牛仔裤卡到了链条里 撕破
了一个口子 然后瞬间整条裤腿居然就被扯掉了... ... 我只得半边下身光着这么骑完了剩 下的10英里... FML 今天 我不得不参加我前女友的婚礼彩排 因为我是这个镇上唯一一个调音师... 好死不死我
前女友的老爸婚礼又迟到 牧师居然让我代替她老爸 挽手跟我前女友走过走廊！（然后把前 女友亲手交给她未婚夫） FML 【转自天涯 喜欢的朋友分享给朋友吧】 今天，当我醒来时，丈夫已经起床。我认为我听到他在客厅里。于是我大喊：“快过来，
别害羞，现在带着小JJ到这儿来！”。一个声音答复我：“他出去吃面包去了”，那是我婆 婆。 今天，我妻子觉得如果带上她的女友和我们一起三人行（3p）应该会很有趣。由于她的这个
女友，我终于知道我老婆在真正高潮时是怎么叫的了。我和她结婚5年了，有两个孩子。 今天，我正和我女友用经典的69式，突然我忍不住了，对着她的鼻子放了个p.
今天，我穿着短裙，跑向一部要关门的电梯，还好及时进去了。当我跑进电梯的那一刻，我
的卫生巾从内裤里掉到地上。电梯里还有其他6个人。我捡起来以后才意识到我没有地方放 ，于是我拿着它，坐了18层电梯。FML 今天，我出去跑步，却被两个警察逮住了，手被拷上，还带到了警察局，连句解释都没有 。原来事情是这样，附近一家被抢劫了，警察得到的描述就是“一个跑着的人”。我连个道 歉都没得到。FML 今天，有个十分钟的大暴雨。暴雨在我停好车的30秒后开始，在我到公司后30秒后结束。现 在阳光灿烂，蓝天白云，而我看起来像穿着衣服洗了个澡。而且我还穿着紧身白裤子。FML 今天，一个朋友愿意跟我OOXX，因为我是个19岁的处女，之前只跟别人接吻过，他提出要我 的wii作为回报。FML 今天，我想表现的性感些，于是用嘴给bf戴套套。但是，我吸气时不小心给吸进去了，男
友给我做急救，打断了我三根肋骨。FML 今天我骑着我的摩托车，突然我在马路上看到了曾经背叛我的前妻，为了表示我的愤怒，我
把口香糖吐向她。我居然忘记了我还带着头盔，口香糖黏在了面罩里暂时挡住了我的视线， 于是我撞进了树丛中！FML 今天我告诉我那8岁大的女儿她很像她妈妈。现在她把自己关在屋子里不肯出来，因为她觉 得自己很丑。FML 【有点长 看不光的可以分享了以后再看】
今天我女儿哭着从夏令营回来了，因为所有人都嘲笑她是个色盲。我丈夫向我坦白实际上
他以前故意告诉我们的女儿错误的颜色名称，因为他觉得这样很好玩。 今天我到动物园去当志愿者给残疾儿童做志愿者。我的任务是扮成袋鼠在门口迎接孩子们。
一个小孩走上前来说：“你不是真的袋鼠！”然后狠狠踢了我的蛋蛋。 今天，下班以后，我去停车场准备开车回家。我发现我的车的门被划伤得很厉害，我所有的
车胎都被扎了。挡风玻璃上留着一张字条写着：“草NM，杰克逊。别耍老子。”我是泰勒。 杰克逊是我同事。FML 今天，我发现怎样都打不开我的车门，于是开始抓狂并把钥匙拧断了在里边...然后我发现
，那不是我的车。FML 今天，我14岁的妹妹问我，第一次做爱时感觉如何，我告诉她这是私人问题而且与她无关，
然后她告诉我说：“我当时觉得很棒。”我今年19岁而且是处女。 今天 我在水上世界公园做巡视员 几个客人跑来跟我投诉说 他们冲浪池里有个光上身 的女孩 我过去把那女孩叫了上来 很礼貌地跟她说 不好意思我们这里不可以不穿泳衣上装 ... 说完发现“她”居然是个15岁的肥仔 男的 FML 今天老子撞车了 事情是这样的 我疲劳驾驶 困得要死 突然发现前面路边有只鹿正准备过马
路 我惊了一头汗赶紧狂踩刹车 刚下过雨的路很滑 我刹车过猛失去控制... 一头撞上一棵 树之后 我才看清楚那只蠢鹿原来是路边草坪上的塑料装饰... FML 今天，在和女友OOXX之后，我才意识到手机放在床上，并且由于的激烈运动，它自动拨到 了我爹的语音信箱。我爹很快就能听到全程录音了。FML 今天，我打开冰箱找点儿喝的，发现有罐柠檬水，罐子上贴了张纸条：“这是老妈我的柠檬 水，不许偷喝！”。但当时我确实很渴，于是决定无视纸条，把整罐喝了个精光。结果，我 妈打算做肠镜检查，所以她在柠檬水了搁了泻药。FML 今天，我和一个工作上的熟人吃午餐，一阵音乐从他口袋中传出；他掀开他的iPod Touch（
一款长得很像手机的iPod）然后对我说“抱歉，我接个电话”，然后他把iPod贴在耳上走了 出去。这厮不仅不想和我说话，还认为我会傻到连 iPod和手机都分不清的地步. FML 今天，我小心地走到我男友身后，用手捂住他的眼睛说：“猜猜我是谁？”，他回答：“玛
丽？卡米拉？凯特？”，我很恼火地说“你错了，是你心爱的那个...”，过了一会儿，他 说“噢！你是阿曼达！”。我的名字是克罗维。FML 今天，有一些亲戚来家里，当我看到我17岁的表妹时，我很邪恶地想SY。我来到当时没人的 我父母的卧室。我妹妹的婴儿对讲机让全家人都听到了我的动静。FML 今天，我和那个我偷偷爱上的女孩在MSN上聊天，她跟我说她10分、20分或者30分钟后马上
回来，这要取决于她男友的体力。 今天，我参加一个工作会议。午餐时，我看到一位让我倾倒的人。在吃甜点的时候，我咳嗽
得很厉害以至于我嘴里的一块巧克力蛋糕直接飞到他的眼镜上...丢人...我想这个时候想对 他自我介绍已经太迟了。FML 今天，我第一次和我爱的女孩KISS，她什么反应？她吐了。FML
今天，party之后，我带了个女孩到我和另外两个好友合租的公寓里过夜。当我们OOXX的时 候，她问我“你不担心你朋友们听到咩？”，那唯一的答案从俺嘴里冒了出来：“别担心， 他们习惯了”。FML 今天，我在睡梦中大叫了起来....我是在一个非常重要的会议上睡着的，所有的客户以及我 的老板都在。FML 今天，我在全校最不受欢迎的女孩身旁醒来，唉，都怪伏特加。FML
今天，我买了新电脑，于是把旧的那台给了我妈。给了之后回到家，我意识到我忘了更换（
旧电脑的）桌面，那是我女友的裸~照。FML 今天，我妈搭我去足球训练场，在路上她跟我说，她觉得我是个同志而我朋友是我的情人。
在这十分煎熬的15分钟之后，到达训练场，迎接我们的是我那没穿上衣包着粉色头巾的朋友 ，他对我说“帅哥，你昨晚好厉害~”FML 今天，我穿着双很不舒服的高跟鞋站在商场的自动扶梯上，在整理袋子的时候，我突然失去
平衡，然后开始疯狂地双手乱挥（以保持平衡），在绝望中我乱撞乱抓，最后，我抓住了一 个男孩的臀部，并同时拍了他女友一耳光~FML 今天，我第一次坐在一个很火辣的MM身边，感到前所未有地紧张。不过，我还是很羞涩地
设法要了电话她的电话号码。当我回到家后，我才意识到号码少了一位数字.FML 今天，我丢了我的手机，但后来又找到了它，接着我不小心将它掉到了马桶里。FML 今天，房产中介的人和买家来看我的房子。当他打开卧室门的时候，我正在SY。FML 今天,我老婆在我妹妹的婚礼上去抢新娘的花球.我告诉她说只有单身的女性才可以去抢,结
果她说她知道.于是,我老婆在我妹妹的婚礼上告诉我说她要和我离婚.FML 今天,我登录了Facebook,看到了我的一个朋友刚刚标明她正在恋爱.我很为他高兴于是点击
了"like"按钮.于是我在她的页面上看到了她现在的男朋友.那个家伙是我的男友.FML 今天,我交往了一年的男友告诉我说他可能是GAY.于是我脱掉了上衣,火辣辣的勾引他,激情
的亲吻他.我诱惑的问他:"现在你觉得怎么样呢?"他的回答?他说他更确信他是个GAY了.FML 今天,我那交往了四年的男友向我求婚了.我本来没有期待很浪漫的东西,但是我想还是有比
一封要求我在Facebook上确认我们的结婚状态的Email更好的求婚方式.FML 今天,我去参加了一个party.当音乐变成了慢摇舞曲时所有人都去配对跳舞,结果就剩我一个
人悲哀的孤单的呆在舞池.突然,一个小伙走向我.我想他可能是要邀请我跳舞.结果他说:"你 能帮我拿一下我的饮料么?"然后他去邀请了另一个女孩跳舞.FML .今天，我发现我爹不仅背着我妈和别的女人在一起，而且还生了个和我同名同姓的孩子。
FML 今天，我和弟弟逛商场，我转头看见弟弟在摆弄一些很贵的东东，于是我上前给了他一巴 掌，然后我发现这小孩不是我弟弟，于是小孩正牌的妈妈也给了我一巴掌。FML .今天，我从伊拉克回国，到家后我发现，在我离开的日子里，妻子一直在欺骗我。更糟 糕的是，我18个月大的儿子管那个野男人叫“爹”。FML 今天,我去参加一个大party.我的前男友也在那里而我还对他有感觉.因此我决定和我旁边 的醉鬼亲热来让他嫉妒.当我们亲热的时候,醉鬼同学吐了,吐在了我的嘴里还有身上.每个人 都惊恐万分的看着我们,包括我的前男友.FML 今天,我发现我需要抬起偶的肚子才能看到我的JJ.FML
今天,我和几个兄弟一块去酒吧玩.我们千辛万苦的去追女孩们,终于一个兄弟拿到了一个女
孩的号码.我说:"兄弟,本来不想让你难受的.但是这个号码肯定是拒绝热线的号码."太多女 孩给过我这个号码,我都记住了.FML 今天，我学习到半夜，老爹喝得烂醉回来，我把他扶到沙发上，清理他留下的烂摊子。他开
始叨念我姐姐凡妮莎有多没用，而我有多好。我才是凡妮莎。FML 今天，我15岁的女儿要我搭她去她男友家，我发现她男友家和过去两年里我搭她去过夜的朋 友“凯特”家是同一所房子。FML 今天，我用我的新彩弹枪瞄准射击，有一颗彩弹脱靶并击中了我新邻居的房子，于是我去敲 他的门打算当面道歉。由于当时我手上仍然拿着彩弹枪，当过兵的新邻居以为我要抢劫，于 是对我进行了锁喉。FML 今天，我搭我爹回家，路上收到条短信，我爹不想我在开车的时候看短信，他决定把这条短
信念给我听。于是，我开始听到那条我男友描述我们昨晚奇妙的XXOO的短信。FML 今天，我一个人在家，我没有料到房子周围会有人，于是我走出淋浴间，赤~身裸~体地走到 起居室拿电视遥控器回我房间。这时，我看到联合快递的人正站在玻璃门的外边。我尖叫起 来...他也在尖叫。 FML 今天，我到超市去，进门，拿东西，出来，有辆SUV歪歪扭扭地紧紧停在我的车边上，我几 乎没有空余的地方挤回我的车里去。我很恼火，拿纸写上“停得漂亮，你这该~死的白~痴” ，然后把它夹在SUV的挡风玻璃上，这时，我发现那辆车里有人.FML 今天，我撞了一辆停着的车，我很害怕，所以逃走了。四个小时之后，警察出现在我家， 于是我崩溃了，边哭边供认了一切。事实上，他们来并不是因为我撞了那辆车来，他们原本 只是来提醒我最近邻居发生一系列的盗窃案。FML --
TrackbacksThe trackback URL for this entry is: http://panpan-19840326.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!A6DC48646BAC8026!1448.trak Weblogs that reference this entry
|
|
|
